THIS WAS A E-MAIL SENT TO ME FROM A FELLOW PASTOR. HOPEFULLY IT WILL BRING A FEW SMILES AND CHRISTMAS CHUCKLES.

This is the time of the year when we think back to the very first Christmas, when the Three wise Men -- Gaspar, Balthazar, and Herb -- went to see the bay Jesus and, according to the book of Matthew, "presented unto Him gifts: gold, frankincense, and myrrh."  These are simple words, but if we analyze them carefully, we discover an important, yet often overlooked, theological fact: THERE IS NO MENTION OF WRAPPING PAPER!

Now, if there had been wrapping paper, Matthew would have said so:  "And lo, the gifts were inside 600 square cubits of paper.  And the paper was festooned with pictures of Frosty the Snowman.  And Joseph was going to throweth it away but Mary saideth unot him, she saideth, "Holdeth it!  That is nice paper! Saveth it for next year!"  And Joseph did rolleth his eyeballs.  And the baby Jesus was more interested in the paper than the frankincense." 

But, these words do not appear in the Bible, which means that the very first Christmas gifts were NOT wrapped.  This is because the people giving those gifts had two important characteristics:  1) They were WISE.  2) They were MEN. 

Men are not big gift wrappers.  Men do not understand the point of putting paper on a gift just so somebody else can tear it off.  This is not just my opinion, this is a scientific fact based on statistical survey of two guys I know. One is Rob (not me the author of this blog), who said the only time he ever wraps a gift is "if it's such a poor gift that I don't want to be there when the person opens it."  The other is Gene, who told me he does not wrap gifts, but as a matter of principle never takes more than 15 seconds per gift.  "No one ever had to wonder which present daddy wrapped at Christmas," Gene said.  "They were the ones that looked like enormous spitballs."

I also wrap gifts, but because of some defect in my motor skills, I can never completely wrap them.  I can take a gift the size of a deck of cards and put it the exact cneter of a piece of wrapping paper the size of a regulation volleyball court, but when I am done folding and taping, you can still see a sector of the gift peeking out.  (Sometimes I camouflage this sector with a making pen.)  If I had been an ancient Egyptian in the field of mummies, the lower half of the Pharoah's body would be covered only by Scotch tape.

On the other hand, if you give my wife a 12-inch square of wrapping paper, she can wrap a C-130 cargo plane.  My wife, like many women, actually likes wrapping things.  If she gives you a gift that requires batteries, she wraps the batteries separately, which to me is very close to being a symptom of mental illness.  If it were possible, my wife would wrap an individual volt.

My point is that gift-wrapping is one of those skills like having babies that come more naturally to women than to men.  This is why today I am presenting :

Gift Wrapping Tips for Men:

1) Whenever possible, buy gifts that are already wrapped.  If, when the recipient opens the gift, neither one of you recognizes it, you can claim that it's myrrh.

2) The editors of Woman's Day magazine recently ran an item on how to make your own wrapping paper by printing a design on a it with an apple slice in half horizontally  and dipped in in a mixture of food coloring and liquid starch.  They must be smoking crack.  If you're giving a hard-to-wrap gift, skip the wrapping paper! Just put it inside a bag and stick one of those little adhesive bows on it.  This creates a festive visual effect that is sure to delight the lucky recepient on Christmas morning:

YOUR WIFE:  Why is there a Hefty trash bag under the tree? 

YOU:  It's a gift! See?  It has a bow!

YOUR WIFE (peering into the trash bag) : It's a leaf blower.

YOU: Gas-powered!  Five horsepower!

YOUR WIFE:  I want a divorce.

YOU:  I also go you some myrrh.

In conclusion, remember that the important thing is not what you give, or how you wrap it.  The important thing, during this very special time of the year, is that you save your receipt.

(DISCLAIMER:  The views expressed in  this humorous treatise are not the views (maybe with the exception of the Woman's Day article on making your own wrapping paper.  Are you kidding me!?) nor practices of the blogger of this website.  And  this posting was by no means intended to offend, harm, or insult gift wrappers be it husbands or wives.)

ThePastor's Ass

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.  The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.

The next day, the local paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get
rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline
the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The bishop fainted.

He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.


The next day the paper read:  NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The bishop was buried the next day.


The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery . . even shorten your life.


So be yourself and enjoy life. Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!  Have a nice day!

If you guessed In the Garden, then you were right!  I am thankful that the Trinity Hymnal does not have this as one of its selections.  It is a sentimental song no different from "You Light Up My Life" or "Feelings," I can't remember the last time I heard either one of those sung in a worship service although I wouldn't put it past some "evangelical churches" to use them.  And its amazing that when I deal with people who like In the Garden, nine times out of ten they say, "Well, it makes me feel good." Well, I would say three glasses of red wine or two Samuel Adam White Ales will make me feel good.  As Dr. Rayburn said in his book O Come, Let Us Worship, "They do not stop to think that they have been singing about an imaginary experience which is sentimentally appealing but does not deal with truth or reality."  And this is exactly where the danger of the gnostic or mystical or even New Agey (I'm not sure "agey" is a word but this is my blog) sound to it.  The original poet, C. Austin Miles, had in mind the experience of Mary Magdalene at the tomb of Jesus on the first Easter morning, but her experience was unique.  But that is just the point.  I almost believe, taking a closer look at the words, that this would be a perfectly acceptable pre-fall hymn because Adam & Eve did have this experience with God in the cool of the evening in the garden where He came & walked with them. 

However, what makes this hymn so dangerous is the prideful refrain, "And he walks with me, and He talks with me, and He tells me I am His own, and the joy we share as we tarry there, none other has ever known."  You see it is this last part that gnostic.  Gnosticism derived from the Greek word gnosis which means "knowledge," that is "knowledge," above  all of one's origins.  And this is essentially what this hymn is saying in its refrain that by coming to the garden I obtain this knowledge of joy in Christ.  It is basing it on experience.  But we are called to be a people of the Word and it is there in promises of Scripture that we know Christ.  It is their we understand the joy we have in Christ.  It is knowledge within our origin - the written Word of God that is preached & taught that we come know that we are sinners in need of a Savior.

Yet let me say one final word on this hymn which is the glaring contradiction concerning the union & communion of the saints in Christ.  Again to quote Dr. Rayburn, "I have often wondered how large crowds of people singing this son could fail to recognize the glaring contradiction: each one of them individually profess to share with the Lord a sweetness of communion tht none of the others has ever experienced.  This shows how far maudlin sentimentality will carry us."  You see in one sense to sing this song is to not only embrace gnosticism - knowledge obtained above our origins - but also to deny the glorious doctrine of the Communion of the Saints.  In fact, I would go as far to say that to sing this song before partaking of the Lord's Supper would criminal.  It would be a contradiction of what we are about to profess when we come to the Lord's Table.  And again I applaud the editors of the New Trinity Hymnal for leaving this sentimental song out.

Yet, why is this gnostic hymn a favorite? I believe it goes back to what Paul said to Timothy that men long to have their ears tickled.  And this is especially so in the narcisstic society that we live in today where we want to feel better about ourselves & so we take a sentimental journey with a sentimental gospel which leads us to a Christless & Crossless Christianity.  Thus, is it any wonder that the evangelical church today is losing ground to the culture because it allows the culture to see through its doors; into its hymnody; & down the aisle into its pulpits.  May God's grace help us to awaken from this slumber & see a reformation & revival that only comes through the true gospel that is full of Christ & His Cross in our hymns & preaching.